Calling

I mentioned in a previous post that I would share my calling experience with you guys. If you already know it, I don't care. Most don't know it.

In the summer of 2005, I went on the United Methodist Action Reach-out Mission by Youth (UM ARMY) in the town of Jefferson, Texas. One night, I was asked to lead in prayer during worship.

Hold up. A little bit of background may be necessary to take in what I just said. Growing up a preacher's kid, often I was asked to lead in prayer; it was a natural assumption that I wanted to. This was never the case. The truth is, I was quite bad at praying aloud. I always stumbled over my words, or forgot what I was going to say, or say something that didn't make sense, etc. Most often I would pass the burden on to other people. I didn't ever want to pray in front of people.

So I was asked to lead in prayer this time. Naturally, I said no. The worship leader insisted. After a few minutes of cajoling, I reluctantly agreed to it.

The entire day I went through what I was going to say that night. Over and over and over. Nothing came. It was going to be bad. It was going to be worse than bad, it would ruin the entire worship experience for the mission team, eventually causing everyone in Jefferson to become Satanist and summon Falkgwar, the Patron Demon of Coconut Creme Pies. Most probably it would have been awkward and we would move on, but I have an overactive imagination.

It came to worship time and I was a nervous wreck. We sang our songs. My turn. My mind went blank. I walked up to the altar and started the prayer. While I was thinking the words and saying the words it didn't feel like I was saying them. It didn't sound like ME to me. Something completely alien had occurred and I couldn't place it. Naturally it made me uncomfortable. I mentioned it at the end of the week during Share Time, and we all got emotional and cried and I wrote it off as a fluke.

One and a half years pass. Winter break, 2007. I'm lying in bed at my parents house and get to thinking. I had been going to college to earn an English Degree, and get certified as a teacher, all in hope of one day becoming a Writer. I thought I was happy, and I was, mostly. There was, however, this strange, gnawing feeling at the back of my mind. Was I happy? Was I going where I wanted to go? And then the weirdest question popped in my head.

What if I was blind?

Sure, this seems like an innocuous little aside at first, but here's the thing. The first thing I thought of was "I would thank God for what I had." What? Who put that there? All rational thought would have gone to the natural conclusion that I would work around it and continue writing. Whoopie-dee. No. The first thing was Thank God for What I Had and Be Grateful for What I Could Do.

Then another thought popped in. Why wait until I was blind to thank God?

This was a scary line of reasoning. I hadn't done much praying or thinking theologically at all for quite some time. All of a sudden I have this unrelenting urge to do something with what I had to honor God. Somewhere in there I had the crazy idea to become a preacher.

It took a few days to work through this. I went to Galveston to walk the beach, find a quiet center and let my answer come to me. All I got was the echo of what I felt, a reassuring whisper saying "be a preacher."

I realize that this whole thing might seem a bit silly on the surface, but I assure you it is not.

I still have a lot to figure out. If you ask me a simple theological question, I will still reply with stuttering and conjecture and English Major Analysis. I did it just the other day, which I'm still astounded by. I don't think in simple terms. Theology and Christianity has never been simple for me. How it can be simple eludes me. However, I am determined to figure out what I believe in and become stronger in my faith because of it. I will figure out what I believe in, but until then, I can only pray for guidance.



Mood: Revelatory
Now Playing: Who Do You Think You Are by Matt Pryor

A few more words

Sorry, I kind of cut off in the middle of my thoughts back there.

The job I've had this summer has been alright. It's fairly low stress, I like most of the people I work with, and my experience has been downright adequate all around. However, much like the band situation, I don't see me keeping up the work along with school and needing the weekends off. It has made quite an interesting experience, and I hope I'm better with people now than I was before. If nothing else, I can sell you some very large pants.

I think this should do it for now. More when school starts.

Mood: Basil Exposition
Now playing: Close to Me by the Get Up Kids

A word from the Manager

Hey everybody!It's been about a month or so since I started this blog, and about two weeks since I posted, so I thought I'd give an update. If you want some fiction, sorry, this is not it. I haven't been very inspired lately.

I've been going through a few things in the past few weeks, and it all started with the United Methodist Church (UMC) Candidacy Summit. If you don't already know, I've been called to go into the ministry. Maybe one day I'll write down the calling process for all to digest, but today is not the day. Since the Summit, I've gotten a few things in perspective for the future, which is nice. The downside is that I realized a few things about my life now that need to change in order for me to be prepared for that future.

One thing I needed to do was quit the praise band at the Presbyterian Church I attend here in San Marcos. It wasn't an easy thing to do, and I've had to pray a lot about it. The truth is, I needed the ability to skip church on Sunday sometimes. The Candidacy process involves me needing to go back and forth between here and Houston on the weekends. The other issue involved is the fact that I have more or less been attending both services at that church for about three years now and I feel drained. Faith does not exist in a vacuum, but suffocation doesn't really do anything good for it either.

One more thing. I quit my job at the Casual Male XL.

More later.

The Truth

You know what the truth is? He asked.
Which one? I replied.
The sad one, he qualified.
We lost it.
It’s gone.
Before we lost it, it was universal,
And everyone knew what it was.
We spoke it and we lived it.
Few are left that can sing it,
And soon they will be gone.
It has been left by the old men that found it
Only to be given to the young men that will lose it.
We think it trite.
We think it childish.
We think this because we are told to.
You know what the truth is? He asked.
The truth is ignored,
And so ignorance reigns supreme.

Mood: despotic
Now playing: July! July! by The Decemberists